Blog Post Six

Photo by Gary Meulemans

I need to get his off my chest…

I'm tired. I'm physically exhausted and mentally exhausted. I'm burnt out, I'm uncomfortable in my own body, and I've gained weight. I literally gained 20 pounds back from the 40 I lost, so that’s disappointing. I'm still at home with my mother after my divorce. It's been 3 years now. That's not a good living situation. It's no longer a safe space. It's time to move. It's not good for my kids or for me. I need therapy, and I'm having a hard time finding a therapist. I need trauma therapy and a life coach. I need more income at this point. I still can't afford to move out on my own, I’d be right back in subsidized housing with assistance, and I’m tired of it. I don't want to move to a crappy neighborhood with loud disrespectful kids and neighbors, police, and shootings; I want to be somewhere I can thrive and not just survive me, and my kids have just been surviving. I've been running on fumes for a while now; I don't even have a drop to give myself to add to my very low self-esteem. I feel weird even having a dating profile, feeling like I don't have anything to offer anyone; financially, I'm barely getting by, and I’m overweight and feel uncomfortable in my skin. I know that my career doesn't make me who I am, and there are plenty of people who will love the body I have. But I’m not happy with my body, I'm not happy with my living arrangement, I’m not happy with my life, and I feel like I'm in this vicious cycle of unhappiness and loneliness, my weight up and down, the constant moving and constantly changing jobs, trying to get more money to get out of struggle. When will it all end? It's like no matter what I try to do, I just end up right back where I started, just round and round we go, and I'm tired, I want off the merry-go-round. It was never fun.

I'm so desperate; I've been trying manifestation techniques for weeks, and I've been believing and declaring and holding onto hope. At this point, I don't know what else to do because I haven't seen anything yet; where's the help? where's the money? It's like shouting into the void and hearing an echo yelling back at you.

I'm so tired of feeling desperate.